13 Weeks!

13 Weeks...the magic number of announcing that you are expecting a baby! The point where you finally accept the weight gain and embrace it. The second trimester! Finally reaching the point of feeling better, no more nausea and energy levels starting to rise. 13 weeks referred to as the golden period where the risks of miscarriage greatly diminsh!

13 weeks for me was undoubtedly one of the hardest days of my life! I have 3 beautiful children all of which were relatively easy pregnancies. I expected the 4th to be no different. This baby was planned and longed for. I hadn't yet been to the doctor and week 13 marked my first ob appointment. I looked forward to this day with great anticipation. I wanted to hear my babies heartbeat and to see a sign of life. It always tends to make the sickness in the beginning worth it. The appointment seemed to be going well, I was very pleased with my doctor. I decided to change from my last labor experience and am glad that I did. I was the last appointment of the day so he asked me if I had some time to run over and get a sneak peek in an ultrasound. Of course I did! I longed to see my baby and hear the little heartbeat. Reassurance that all is going well. After about 5 minutes into the ultrasound I could tell something was wrong. My Dr. excused himself from the room and went and made a phone call, he came back in briefly to ge my contact phone numbers and then left again. When he came back he sat down by me and said he hated to tell me this but things in the ultrasound don't look right for a 13 week baby, he also could never find the heartbeat nor did he ever see the baby move. I was completely devastated! This couldn't be happening to me! He wanted confirmation of his findings so the phone call he made was to the Ultrasound technician asking him if he could come in tonight and give me an official one. I tried to remain calm and optimistic but the drive home seemed to last forever. I wanted to find Dirk and tell him and have him tell me it was going to be okay. Of course I couldn't hide my tears from the girls so I told them both what was going on and they were sad you could tell. My sweet little boy came over to me and hugged me wanting a kiss, it was so special, he knew I was sad. He definitely has a tender heart. Dirk pulled away for a moment to give me a blessing, it was a special moment. He said that the lord knew what was best and the he loved he me. Right then I felt a peaceful feeling that no matter what the outcome, we could make it through this. Finally the technician called and asked if I could meet him at the hospital a little after 8 pm. Dirk went with me, which I was glad to have him there. While we were waiting for him to get there a frantic mother (a lady from the local vet clinic) came in screaming "Where is she, Where is She?" "I want to see her! Is she alive?" She kept reapeating it over and over. It was evident there had been an accident of some kind and she was worried about someone, a girl involved. My heart felt for her still not knowing who "she" was. I am unsure of the amount of time that past by, but it seemed like forever when the ambulance finally had gotten there. The ER staff and the ladies husband had to restrain her in the corner so she wouldn't get in the way of them bringing in the girl. The poor woman was frantic and devastated. It was clear that she loved this person so much and was so worried about them. For a moment, while I was sitting there watching this poor woman, I thought I was selfish for feeling bad for myself and for wanting my baby to be alive. I kept saying tiny little prayers pleading to Heavenly Father to let my baby be okay and then after I saw this ladies pain I prayed for her, not knowing if He could answer more than one prayer so I was willing at this point to sacrifice my unborn child for the sake of the girl, which we later learned was her 9 year old daughter. The Dr. went out to the ambulance and came back in and had to tell her that she didn't make it, she had died instantly. She screamed like never before, she was angry and in so much pain. My heart went out to her and I was devastated...I could never imagine losing anyone of my living children, the pain she was experiencing was overpowering watching this poor mother deal with the news she had just heard.

Finally the Ultrasound tech showed up 35 minutes late! I was glad to get out of the hall way and to find out our fate. The news wasn't good and the tech confirmed my Dr's findings. I was angry and upset! But my problems at that point felt so trivial compared to the poor mother who had just lost her child. I looked at my in-utero baby as a child and had longed to hold him or her. I wasn't quite sure how to feel or what emotions to show. We left for home and the girls were waiting patiently attending to Clay. They instantly could tell it was bad news and both started crying. I hugged them and told them how much I loved them! I was so thankful to have 3 beautiful children all alive and well. My Dr. gave me a call shortly after we had gotten home and told me my options...do nothing and let your body realize your baby is no longer alive and let it miscarriage and dispose of the baby on its own, which could cause a lot of bleeding and the possibility of hemoraging and if that happened a D&C would be required. It could also take weeks for this to happen, or I could opt for a D & C and it would cause little bleeding and would be over and reset my body and my cycle. But a D & C is a surgery performed in the hospital under general anesthesia. He also gave me the option of waiting a week or two and having another ultrasound if I so desired. He and the tech both reassured me of the accuracy of the technology and a 13 week old babies heartbeat just can not be missed! I told him I would need to think about it and talk to my husband to see what he feels would be best. I then went to bed discouraged and disappointed. I don't think I slept a wink all night! I kept reliving the ER incident and the tragedy that had taken place earlier that evening. I kept hearing the mother screaming at the loss of her child, I kept thinking about the baby inside of me and never getting to hold it or love it. I wanted this baby, we had planned for this baby! I had been keeping track from day 1, counting every week that went by. I suffered morning sickness and fatigue for weeks, I neglected my mom duties and my poor family had to eat a strict diet of things that I could stand to smell, cook and eat. I complained about how terrible it was and that I could not wait for that 2nd trimester to start! And I had finally gotten there. I can honestly say that if I ever get pregnant again, which I hope I do, that I will embrace every moment even the times were I feel yucky and like I am going to throw up ...at least I know there is life inside of me however bad it feels, it is a tiny miracle and a blessing...one which I will welcome with open arms! Morning came and with it brought a sense of loss and a feeling inside where I knew that the baby was no longer growing inside of me. I knew what I had to do. Before I could make the call my cell phone rang it was my Dr. due to the circumstances surrounding the findings of the baby and the conditions, he was recommending a D&C as soon as possible (like within the next hour) I knew it was the right decision. I hugged and kissed my kids and headed for the hospital calling my sweet hubby on the way. I felt bad leaving without talking to him and without him actually by my side. I was tyring to be strong and take into consideration all we had going on. In 1 week was going to be our 2nd annual bull sale and just that morning 22 bulls had arrived. I knew his plate was full and he only had a limited amount of time to take care of all that needed to de done. I also called my mom on the way and told her what was going on. She was very supportive and felt very bad. No words nor statistics can make the pain or hurt go away. I checked myself in not knowing that they weren't going to be able to discharge me unless I had someone there to take me home. I called Dirk once again and he said that he would be there. The nurses got me ready for surgery and they wheeled me off into the operating room. I don't remember much only it being cold inside of there. I woke up 2 hours later and shortly after my husband came in. I was glad to see him. I was sad, but still a little delirious from the anesthesia. During the surgery I had lost more blood than normal so they were precautionary and monitored me longer and more than normal. After a bout of antibiotics through the IV and my levels all reaching a normal and stabilizing point, my nurses helped me get cleaned up and get dressed so I could head for home. Once we arrived home, I laid myself on the couch and fell asleep, everytime I tried to wake up I couldn't and didn't want to! It was now a reality I was no longer pregnant and wouldn't be holding this sweet baby October 1st. I was mad, I was angry, I hated everything and couldn't believe that this happened to me nor did I undertstand why or what I had done to deserve this. Then I would remember the poor mother in the ER who had lost her daughter. A neighbor came by that afternoon, he happened to be at the hospital with the family who lost their child he was a long time friend of theirs. He filled Dirk in on the details and my heart hurts for them. The parents of the little girl were divorced and she spent every other weekend with her father. It being his weekend he met the girls stepfather at central location to pick her up. On their way home along a 2 lane highway with lots of turns a truck coming the other direction was headed right for them driving all crazy and out of control at an outrageous speed. The father unsure of the out of control drivers next move does all he can to miss the truck but at the least minute the truck turned and hit the passenger side head-on. It killed the girl instantly. The father had a broken nose, shoulder and a few cuts on his head. The other driver that caused the acciddent was drunk and didn't have a scratch on him. Needless to say, he landed in jail that night! Sad to report that the drunk driver was the little girls uncle, her moms brother. I can't even imagine what all this family is going through. My heart goes out to them. I hope they have the gospel in their lives so they can try to find some peace out of this tragic event. The incident hit so close to home as my two girls have visits with their fathers that are out of the state and out of my control. I know that I was suppose to be at the hospital that night and to witness the loss and devastation of a loved one. I wish I hadn't been there but if I hadn't, I know that my loss would seem so much greater. I know that I would be having a lot harder of a time getting over my loss. Watching this poor family mourn over the loss of their loved one put everything into perspective for me. I love my 3 children and am going to do better at letting them know how much and showing them what they mean to me. You never know when your last day is going to be and I never want to have any regrets. It has been 10 days since my D&C and I still have moments where I feel sad and empty, longing for my baby to be growing inside of me. I know that life goes on and that the Lord has a plan for me and that he knows what is best, even if I disagree, I know I need to have faith. Sometimes that is easier said than done.